Fic: Stars (Dear Diary Remix) [BtVS/Firefly; Dawn/River, Simon, PG-13]

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Title: Stars (Dear Diary Remix)
Author: bastardsnow
Summary: Simon's journal entries regarding the time surround his sister's return to sanity, and its cause
Rating: PG-13 for sexuality and adult themes
Fandom: BtVS/Firefly
Warnings: Mention of femslash
Spoilers: Spoilers for Serenity
Title, Author and URL of original story: Stars by Lamia Archer



Excerpts from the Journal of Simon Tam: Doctor, Brother, Criminal and Friend

…experienced something of an oddity this morning. Though we have encountered (and in fact discovered and explained the existence of) wild, cannibalistic men driven only by blood lust, have endured our Captain being abducted and tortured by a psychotic madman, and my sister is, in fact, something of a precognitive, if not an outright psychic, I can honestly say that what happened this morning was something I never would have expected.

Jayne bumped into me, and then apologized. If it hadn't happened to me, I wouldn’t believe it.

We also took on two new passengers this morning, on Shadow, headed for Persephone. A large man, larger even than Jayne, who goes by the name of Balder, and a young woman named Dawn, perhaps twenty-years-old. She had the most interesting tattoo I think I've ever seen. It's on her right forearm, a few inches above her wrist. It has all sorts of runes and symbols, many of which I feel like I should recognize, though I don't honestly know why. River seemed interested in this Dawn, but not unhealthily so. Her interests can vary so wildly these days…

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…can say with absolute certainty that this girl, Dawn, is one of the more understanding passengers we’ve had. She has taken to River much like Kaylee did. I can’t help but feel, a little selfishly, that this is a good thing. It does free Kaylee and I up for other pursuits. I love my sister, but this is a small ship, and moments of privacy are few and far between.

Balder, on the other hand, largely keeps to himself, mostly poking his head out at meal times. I do wonder, though, what he has been through in his life. I noticed a large scar just below his ribcage the other day. When I inquired about it, he muttered something about Wednesday and said not to worry about it.

I only hope he won’t bring any more trouble…

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… was somewhat inappropriate. I tried to explain to River that kissing people without their permission isn’t okay, but I’m not entirely certain she understood. I did apologize to Dawn, who merely blushed and told me to think nothing of it. She truly is something of a Godsend for myself and Kaylee, and our relationship. I only hope that this won’t endanger the friendship Dawn and River seem to have struck up.

Kaylee, however, believes that it won’t be a problem. She seems to believe that Dawn and River have become better friends than I understood. It’s entirely probable that she’s right. She’s far better at understanding people’s relationships than I am.

In fact, the other day she was talking about Inara and the Captain, and mentioned this time before I was on the ship…

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…somewhat surprised when Dawn said that, if it was all right with the Captain, she’d like to stay on past Persephone. Serenity, she says, feels comfortable, like she’s not felt in some time. She is a young woman of means, apparently, because she told the Captain that she had money for passage indefinitely.

She is also a clever young woman, as she assured him that she had a blind eye that she freely and willingly turns for people of good character, and that her sister’s best friend wore a brown coat, and in fact died in Serenity Valley. Mal accepted her offer and mentioned that she’d been a help on the ship, especially with River.

I must say, I’m not sorry that she’s staying on. I even understand, somewhat to my surprise, the comfort she feels on Serenity. I suppose all one needs to feel at home are family, food, and a roof.

Our other, quieter passenger, Balder, departed as scheduled, with barely a word. As mysterious people go, he’s one of the more intriguing we’ve met, if only because he didn’t at any point attempt to murder anybody…

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…try to keep up on what’s going on here, but it does sometimes feel like the rest of the crew is laughing at the punch line to a joke, when I didn’t even know somebody was telling one. The little looks Inara shares with Kaylee, or Zoë shares with the Captain, or the way Jayne sometimes just snorts when I walk into a room. I would ask Kaylee to explain it, but it’s entirely possible I’m being paranoid.

In any event, she has enough on her plate, and honestly, so do I. It appears that our next stop is to be on her home world, and the Captain is insisting we stop in to see her parents. I get the feeling he’s insisting for the delight he’ll get from counting the number of times I stick my foot in my mouth. I would not put it past the crew to have placed money on this.

Still, Kaylee is quite taken with the idea, and it would be improper of me not to accompany her.

I noticed Dawn's tattoo again, and asked her about it. She looked at it for a moment – it's usually covered by her sleeves – and smiled, almost sadly. At first I thought I had perhaps brought up bad memories, but she told me anyway. She said that a dear friend of hers had designed it for her, and that the symbols were, in ancient times, believed to be powerful signs of protection. That the tattoo was to guide her to a safe place, though never the same place twice.

I apologized for bringing up painful memories, and she assured me that there was nothing to apologize for. That the tattoo served to remind her of her friends and family that she had lost over the years, and that talking about them even a little helped her remember. She seemed so sad...

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...can no longer deny the fact that something with River has changed. She is experiencing the longest streak of lucidity since the Captain opened her stasis chamber. It began a day or two after Dawn and Balder arrived on Serenity, and has continued these past weeks. I have searched for something, anything to explain what has happened, but as far as I can tell the only consistent change here has been Dawn's presence.

I don't know what that means, nor can I explain it, nor do I know how it is possible, but it is the only conclusion I can draw from the evidence...

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... not at all surprised when Jayne won twenty credits from the rest of the crew. It appears his wager on my 'foot-in-mouth' count was closest to thirteen…

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…was, I suppose, an inevitability that my sister would find someone to be with. This is a small ship, and though I have been accused of being oblivious, and rightly so, when walking past my sister’s bedroom and hearing those sounds coming from inside, it’s hard not to figure out what’s going on.

I am with Kaylee. The Captain and Inara are smitten with each other, if not full on in love (I am, at least, not so oblivious that I didn’t see that very quickly). Zoë is still in mourning, and Jayne would be too afraid of what the Captain or Zoë might do to him if he ever were interested in River, which is not to say that she would have any part of it, anyway.

Which left only one person.

This does explain, of course, why Dawn wanted to stay on, and the looks everyone was giving to each other. I am also grateful that I heard those sounds and recognized them for what they were before opening the door to my sister’s bunk.

I suppose I should feel somewhat more… upset? Concerned? Offended? That River didn’t confide in me, though she has since assured me it wasn’t because she thought I would react poorly. Rather, she said somewhat sweetly, it was because she wanted to keep what they had special, and between them.

Fortunately, I have grown to know Dawn, if not well, then well enough to see that she’s a very nice young woman, and in every instance I have seen she treats River well, as a good, if, on occasion, slightly off friend. I feel, however, there is genuine affection there. I did before I ... heard them. I was simply unaware of how much affection there actually was.

And, while I wouldn't think of interfering in any relationship River chose to pursue, especially one which she chose to pursue while lucid, I should still, I feel, keep an eye on things. And perhaps ask Inara to have a quiet word with either Dawn or River about volume...

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... was attempting to sneak past the bunk that River and Dawn share and heard, instead of the normal sounds, sobbing. When I knocked to see if anything was wrong, I found River crying and holding onto Dawn for dear life. She couldn't explain why, and just kept repeating that she had 'seen the light' and that it wasn't fair. Since then, Dawn has been spending more time with her, as River has been all but inconsolable. I don't know what she saw, and I worry that it might be something in the future, as despite all reason, River has in the past shown some precognitive ability. If she did see something that is coming, I can only hope that it won't be too devastating...

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... all happy that River has largely recovered from her depression. She is by and large back to the energetic young girl she used to be. I am also pleased that River and Dawn no longer feel the need to hide their relationship, though I do wish that my sister had a greater sense of propriety. I love my sister, I support her choices, and I think Dawn is a wonderful girl.

But River is still my sister, and there are facts about her love life that I do not need to, nor wish to, know. I do not constantly need to see them fondling each other. Or need to know when they were first intimate. Or, God help me, how many freckles (or stars, as River dubbed them) Dawn has on her entire body, and just how it was my sister came by this information.

They are, of course, not the only ones who've changed around me. Jayne has, in recent weeks, almost ceased his previously unending minor physical abuses of me, and taken instead to reminding me at every possibly turn what it is my sister now spends her nights doing, before then declaring a need to return to his bunk. I almost miss all the bruises.

However, I should say that not every change brought on by this revelation has been a bad one. Kaylee was, I suppose, concerned that I might take my sister's choice of partner poorly. I do understand why she thought that. I know I have a tendency, on occasion, to tend towards the judgmental. But my view on anybody's choice in partner is that people love who they love, and it is not for us to judge. The upshot of this is that Kaylee has opened up to me in certain ways, both emotionally and physically, neither of which I feel is appropriate to go into here...

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...felt it was my duty to do something about it, and since Kaylee, Inara, and the Captain (in what was, I'm sure, an extremely embarrassing conversation) have all asked them to try to be quieter, and they simply seem unable, well, I have purchased and distributed earplugs to the entire crew. Jayne, of course, threw them back in my face...

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... now believe we can be virtually certain what it is that River was so upset about a couple of months ago. About two weeks ago, River, Kaylee, Inara, Dawn and I were having some lunch in the kitchen, and Jayne came in to join us. When he approached the table, the knife slipped from his plate and cut Dawn's arm just below her tattoo, running some of her blood into it. We all winced, because it was obvious it hurt, but Dawn's reaction seemed, for the moment, curiously strong. She turned to Jayne and uttered a vicious curse that surprised us all.

She turned to River, and I saw – I believe I saw – a green glow coming from her tattoo. Dawn grabbed my sister and kissed her. She told her that she loved her, then stood away from the table and everyone else, and vanished in a flash of green light. I do not know what to make of this. None of us do. River has taken it surprisingly well, and I can only assume, because she still will not talk about it, that this is what she saw that made her so upset.

We have looked. We have sent missing person notices and photos to every person with whom we have ever done business (well, everyone who is still alive). I even contacted our parents. Nothing has done any good, and while we were all prepared – are still prepared – to continue searching, River has told us to stop. To call it off. She said that Dawn is gone, and that she is not coming back.

She seemed certain. She seemed... resigned. Defeated. The past two weeks, River has remained clear headed, and she is still, of course herself. And while her grief has obviously darkened her tone, I have also noticed something more. Deeper.

I believe my sister has, at tremendous price, been forced to grow up. I fear that gone is the giggling young girl who used to dance around the cargo hold to a tune only she could hear. I hope that I am wrong.

But I am certain I am not.

My sister, likely, is right. I do not believe we will ever see Dawn again. But wherever she is, whomever she is with, I hope she is safe. I hope she finds love, and happiness, and a long, healthy life. Somehow, she gave my sister her sanity back and allowed her, for a time, to know love. And for that I will always be grateful....

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End