Fic: Load Cycle (The Breaking Free Remix) [House; Gregory House/James Wilson; PG-13]

[steelydanrydell.livejournal.com]

Title: Load Cycle (The Breaking Free Remix)
Author: queenzulu
Summary: Sometimes even House can't predict the steps of Wilson's dance.
Fandom: House, M.D.
Pairing: Gregory House/James Wilson
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: David Shore, Bad Hat Harry Productions, FOX Broadcasting, not me.
Original story: Breaking The Cycle, by bironic.
Notes: Thank you to some amazing betas, who reassured me that my sestina flowed: daemonluna, thedeadparrot, carlanime, and I think leiascully. It's been so long, if I got you to read this through for me and forgot to mention you, please knock me upside the head and I'll acknowledge you.

***

Load Cycle (The Breaking Free Remix)

Midnight, and House waits
for sleep, or for some chance break
in the weather, or in the pain that dances
outwards from his leg, or for the cycle
of Vicodin and whiskey and puzzles to turn
his focus away from his usual load

Of misery. His thoughts are live loads,
chambered ideas in a mind that waits
to fire when it will cause the worst damage, to turn
whispers into promises that can only break.
Today Wilson's eyes said he might leave Julie, or might not, the usual cycle,
and sometimes even House can't predict the steps of Wilson's dance.

He's restless. House knows what he wants, and it's a different dance
but one that comes with its own expectations, a load
he might not be able to sustain. He's seen the cycle
of Wilson's affections. He watches, diagnoses, waits,
hiding his own heart carefully, where it won't break
and Wilson can't reach it, or see it, or turn

Futility to bitterness. House has already lost too much. Everything turns
on the axis of his pain, on the pills, on Stacy's dance
out and in and out of his life. He needs the break
that Wilson offers him, either to laugh or to load
his anger on someone else's shoulders. He's still waiting
for Wilson to leave, to shout Enough! To stop the cycle.

On nights like this he thinks of climbing on the cycle,
revving the engine, roaring out to Wilson's place. He'll take his turn
instead of sitting out and hoping Wilson will make a move, or waiting
for Wilson to realize that his life with Julie is an empty dance.
Everybody lies; when House stops he'll know the dice are loaded
in his favour, and Wilson's only delaying to make a clean break.

He knows Wilson's knock, and when it comes it's sharp enough to break
the silence between them. House shifts on his cane, cycles
from hope to mockery, uses words so loaded
that Wilson doesn't speak. He steps forward, and his eyes turn
desperate and dark, and then he kisses House like a flame, dancing,
like an answer to a question they've asked and left waiting

Too long. They've spent a decade waiting, afraid to break
out of routines. Now they dance together, their desire cycling
higher. They turn to each other at last, and they ease their needless loads.



end

***

Comments

[bironic.livejournal.com]

OMG! OMG sestina! OMG awesome and clever sestina and it's sad and it's true and it's them! And the bits you kept and the bits you twisted so beautifully and the bits that complement and the new sides to the story, and your word choices, and, and, *love*.

The part that just breaks my heart is:

He's seen the cycle
of Wilson's affections. He watches, diagnoses, waits,
hiding his own heart carefully, where it won't break
and Wilson can't reach it

Oh. The fragility Wilson warned Cameron about in "Love Hurts," and maybe Wilson doesn't realize he can hurt House as badly. May have already.

And here: "He's still waiting / for Wilson to leave, to shout Enough! To stop the cycle." Because there, there's what we saw in "Son of Coma Guy" with his conviction that everyone will stop loving him eventually. That he'll keep pushing despite himself, and one day Wilson won't take it anymore.

And here: "He steps forward, and his eyes turn / desperate and dark, and then he kisses House like a flame, dancing," oooooooh, I can see it, smoldering Wilson-gaze, the quick, silent approach to the kiss in the dark, late at night. I love your different uses of "dance" best of all, I think.

And the last three lines -- beautiful. Beautiful.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Hi, I'm back. Well, I've been back several times, but today's the last opportunity to express glee without knowing who you are. So: more things I love about this:

The end words -- looks like you picked "wait," "dance" and "turn" from the body of the original poem, which is cool, because in addition to the subject matter and title here, it ties the two together even more tightly. I'm going to guess they did come from the original, because it's pretty to think that you wanted to emphasize the ideas in the lines they were drawn from. Like "Time tonight to stop waiting," when that's the crux of the poems, and "friend-turned-lover," which I thought was an awkward phrase in my own but tried to capture their trembling step over the line. This is about the turn to something different, something more. And "an irascible friend / He's been dancing around for too many years" -- it's so beautiful (sorry to keep using the same adjective, but it is) here how you expand on the facets of that dance and that cycle.

And did you deliberately sprinkle other end words from the other sestinas (leg, Vicodin, puzzles, whispers, Stacy, laugh, lies) throughout, or is that a coincidence because many of the words are so integral to who House is?

Two more beautiful turns of phrase I didn't mention last time:

His thoughts are live loads,
chambered ideas in a mind that waits
to fire when it will cause the worst damage

and

Everything turns / on the axis of his pain

The first is such a perfect metaphor and a wonderful image; the second is so simple and elegant, and so terribly true.

Sigh. Then, of course, there's the mirroring of the opening line as well as the one about being restless and (not) knowing what he wants, and that line I mentioned last time about kissing House like a flame, dancing, still gets me, and did I mention that using "cycle" once for the bike was very clever?

[zulu]

Wow, wow, wow. Thank you. You are totally spoiling me for any feedback I get in the future, by the way. This is amazingbeautiful, and it's like YOU KNOW ME SEKRITLY or something, because you manage to pull out exactly what I meant. Now I need to go off and write long meta posts about my Process, Etc., and babble about how cool you are to remix.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

it's like YOU KNOW ME SEKRITLY or something

LOL. I think having a huge ego and being a not-so-secret English/writing geek leads to feedback like this, knowing one's own work so well and homing in on details in the other.

But yes, let us be squeeful and totally sycophantic to each other! It's okay, because we didn't know who each other were (was?) a few hours ago! Go write!

[elynittria.livejournal.com]

Wow! This is brilliant: the other side of the original sestina, portrayed in beautiful, moving imagery. The last line really tugs at my heart, because it's what I so desperately wish for House and Wilson.

[zulu]

As do we all! I tried to keep the stanzas as mirrors to the original, so yay for it reflecting well. Thank you very much.

[zulu]

Huh, I didn't even know about sestinas before I read this and the original. Very cool.

[zulu]

You crazy kid. You learned a lot writing this, didn't you?

[bironic.livejournal.com]

queenzulu, you crack me up.

[roga.livejournal.com]

bironic said it much better than I could, but this is beautiful (and impressive!). I love the phrase turn futility to bitterness, and the line He needs the break that Wilson offers him, either to laugh or to load his anger on someone else's shoulders - which is so, so true.

[zulu]

It's amazing what poetry can do, gives the opportunity to write what we know in different ways. That's what I liked about writing it, anyway. Thank you muchly.

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

This is awesome. It's sharp, and yearning, and powerful, and I love that you wrote it as a sestina, because it's the perfect complement to the original. Wow.

[zulu]

*nods* Poor House, he's not the type to move first, I don't think. It can be really hard to write him getting over himself. Writing him angsting, however, works well! Thank you.

[stephantom.livejournal.com]

This is really excellent. Excellent job with the format, using the same words differently in very creative and provocative ways, just as Bironic's original did, and complimenting the original perfectly.

[zulu]

It was very cool, learning how to write a sestina. The rules are really intricate. I had to keep the end-word scheme beside me at all times to make sure I wasn't screwing it up. But the result works so well, and I've learned so much. 'Twas awesome. Thanks!