From the Notebook of... (Looks Like Somebody Cut Health Class Remix) [Death Note: L, Light, - PG]

[puff-dannyocean.livejournal.com]

Title: From the (Very Private) Notebook of... [The "Looks Like Somebody Cut Health Class One Too Many Times" Remix]
Author: shayheyred
Summary: Probability that L is a dork - 87%
Fandom: Death Note
Pairing: L/Light
Rating: PG for language mostly
Original story: Textbook Example by pollinia
Notes: Go read the original. It's hilarious, and quite a bit hotter than this bit of silliness.


L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 83

Food consumed: ice cream sundae, ham & cheese sandwich, 2 orders gyoza, edamame, cake (chocolate), pie (banana crème) (3 slices), dish red bean ice cream, French fries, coffee, 5 cups

Surveillance continues of subjects
No suspicious activity on part of subjects MA or YL
Time watching tapes: 17hrs 43 min 22 sec

TO DO:
Rewatch tape 4508A – F re: Penber murder
Contact Watari re: contingency plan B
Try new kind of pie

NOTE: Light wears the nicest pants.

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 90

Food consumed: grilled cheese sandwich, ramen, 2 orders gyoza, fruit cocktail, cake (yellow, with chocolate frosting), pie (coconut crème), dish green tea ice cream, French fries, coffee, 5 cups

Surveillance continues of subjects
No suspicious activity on part of subjects MA, YL
Time watching tape: 18 hrs. 06 min 02 sec

TO DO:
Ask Matsuda to make sure pie is fresh next time (meringue a bit dry today)

NOTE: Does Light wear briefs, boxers or bikinis?

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 94

Food consumed: 1 box Green & Black chocolates, hot cocoa (2 cups), pocky, sashimi (2 orders), pie (key lime, v. tasty – m. remember to order again), cupcakes, French fries, coffee (8 cups)

No suspicious activity on part of subjects MA, YL
Time watching tape: 21 hrs. 56 min 04 sec

TO DO:
Limit observations to subject YL as he is more interesting of the two
Probability Light is Kira - 55%

NOTE:
Efforts to catch Light on tape revealing underwear have proved unsuccessful.
Must investigate as I am sure I'm on to something.

Probability boxers - 12%
boxer briefs - 30%
tighty whities - 45%
thong - 10%

Statistical variance +-3%

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 96

Food consumed: Strawberry shortcake (w/o strawberries), turkey noodle soup (w/crackers), mint chocolate chip ice cream w/butterscotch sauce, German sausage, key lime pie (meh, not as good this time), 1 dozen donuts (the kind with the little sprinkles – I love that!), French fries, coffee (8-9 cups, I forget)

Personal observation time of subject YL 23:01
YL irked by "infringement of privacy" but settled down quickly in shared room

TO DO:
Send Matsuda to Library re: "Forms of Human Sexuality," Kinsey Institute Press

NOTE: Need more coffee. Have to find a way to remain awake that last hour, because apparently Light waits till I'm asleep to get dressed. Sneaky. 62%

Had peculiar dream about Bullet Train squeezing into a too-tight tunnel. V. weird.

Really, really want to know nature of Light's underwear. Really.

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 100

Food consumed: asparagus, Twinkies (8), cheese straws, celery sticks, carrot, popsicle (orange), foot-long hot dog, French fries, coffee (8 cups).

Had craving for bananas. Weird.

Add cameras in hotel bathroom. YL sneaked off to change there, damn him.
Percentage 72%

TO DO:
Send Matsuda for "Common and Uncommon Sexual Behavior," "Kama Sutra," "Sexual Interactions."

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 101

Food consumed: coffee (16? cups) MUST STAY AWAKE!

Unfortunate side effect of cofffeee - Had to urinate repeatedly, thus missing the exact moment of Light changing into pajamas, damn it.

Question: If Light is a normal college student, why is he constantly covering his body? Would Kira be that shy? Maybe Light is deformed? Extra buttock? No genitals?

Speculation: Kira would not be shy, though Light may have deformity. Must investigate further.

YL = Kira, percentage 41%. Likelihood of deformity = 43%

NOTE: Matsuda agreed to library, but refuses to go to adult book store. Have tried bribing with money to no avail.

TO DO:
Try offering Matsuda Misa-Misa porn manip.

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Kira Investigation Day 101

Forget previous entry. Caught glimpse of naked YL emerging from shower. Buttocks not deformed.

L = Kira Percentage 65%

Light's buttocks approx. 12% rounder than mine.

NOTE: Misa-Misa porn was successful as bribe.
Have learned a great deal from new books, particularly "Hot Sex," by Tracey Cox.

Also? The mangaka of "Hentai!" is one heck of a writer.

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 104

Where is Matsuda with those DVDs I ordered? I don't care how embarrassed he is – I want to see "Frat House Fondlers 3." Will replace him on team if necessary, dammit.

Craving Polish sausage. Have no idea why.

Ordered ButtMaster from Gay Caballero Products catalogue

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Day...who the fuck cares??!!!111!

Cannot stand it. MUST SEE LIGHT NAKED AGAIN UNDERWEAR!

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 123

Have decided to add human factor to advance investigation into subject YL's underwear and the apparently large polish sausage he carries around with him in his pants ha ha ha ha ha ha

Will make the sacrifice of using myself as catalyst to advance investigation as I don't think Matsuda is up to it

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 124

Setback: When I called Watari for information on facilitating interaction with subject YL as pertaining to nakedness and subsequent activity, he was not forthcoming with information. Instead, mumbled something about "birds and bees and sometimes boy bees like other boy bees."

Do not understand his meaning.

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Day ?

Have decided to proceed with experiment even without adequate preparation.

NOTE: Must rewatch "Frat House Fondlers 3" before instituting experiment.

Food: Polish sausage. Oysters, 1 doz. Also éclairs. Am surprisingly fond of creamy filling.

---

L…..L….LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAWRENCE? LEONARD? LUCKY? LOUIE? LEE? LEMUEL?
WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS NAME? NOT JAPANESE – WHERE THE HELL IS HE FROM, ANYWAY? DOESN"T MATTER. I HAVE TO KILL HIM NOW!
IF FUCKING RYUK WON'T TELL ME L's REAL NAME, I'M READY TO WRITE MY OWN DAMN NAME IN THIS NOTEBOOK IF IT WOULD MEAN GETTING AWAY FROM L

SHIT!

I CAN'T STAND THIS ANY MORE! IF HE SITS THAT CLOSE TO ME AGAIN, PERVING ON ME, WITH ALL THAT HEAVY BREATHING, I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS!!!

PLUS HE'S BEEN EATING ALL THIS POLISH SAUSAGE LATELY AND HE HAS GARLIC BREATH

I'LL KILL HIM, I SWEAR, EVEN IF I HAVE TO DO IT BY BASHING HIS HEAD IN WITH ONE OF HIS FUCKING MINI-CAMERAS THAT HE DOESN'T THINK I KNOW ARE IN THE BATHROOM! THAT'D SERVE HIM RIGHT.

WAIT–
THEN THEY'LL ARREST ME AND I'LL GO TO JAIL
THAT WOULD BE FUCKING IRONIC
AAAAUUUUUGGGHHH!
LUIGI?
LUKE?
LARS?
LUDOVIC?
LESTER?
LAZARUS?

JUST SHOOT ME NOW

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 128

He doesn't wear underwear.

AT ALL

98%

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 129

Also? It's not a sausage.

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 130

Damn.

He's HUGE.

---

THE FUCKER TOUCHED ME!!!!
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

---

HE TOUCHED ME AGAIN.
REPEATEDLY

---

OKAY, MAYBE IT'S NOT SO BAD

---

L - PERSONAL LOG
Day 134

Must begin new investigation into why my ass hurts.

Comments

[jaebi-lit.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHA OMG I haven't read DN fic in about a year and a half and I really, really, really, really^googol liked this one. It is bloody hilarious and clever and OMG I like it!

[jaebi-lit.livejournal.com]

The format appeals to me - the listing of everything, the gradual disintegration of L's careful lists, and the frantic, oversized writing of Light as he tries to figure out L's name.

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm delighted it made you laugh. It's such an intensely serious series, that a little insanity is called for.

[goldie.livejournal.com]

Oh this was just fantastic! I love humour in the DN fandom and this totally hit the spot. Very very nicely done :DDD

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Thanks for taking time to feed the author. These two have definitely got something going on between them...I like to think it might be of the lunatic-fringe variety.

[elwing-alcyone.livejournal.com]

Hee! This was really funny! I love the diary format for it, and Light's complete capslock melodrama. :D Fantastic!

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Don't you love the idea that Light has secret emo tendencies? Or maybe he's a rampant fanboy at heart who writes things like "eleventy" and "LMFAO" in the death note. Who knows?
Thanks for commenting!

[inksheddings.livejournal.com]

Hysterical! Oh, yes. I don't read much fic in this fandom, but it's nice to see a little crackfic meet the light of day. *g* Loved it!

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

They're so relentlessly serious, a little crack is called for, I think. Besides, pollinia laid the crack ground work for this -- it was easy to just take that one step beyond. Thank you so much for commenting.

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

Craving Polish sausage. Have no idea why.
that was the moment when i cracked up out loud.

This is hilarious and random, and all about how true shounen rivals can't do ANYTHING without turning it into a ridiculous competition, and L is so clueless about what normal teenagers do with each other.

♥

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Yeah, L and Light have definitely lunatic tendencies, don't they? I'm so happy this appealed to your funnybone!
(Great icon, btw.)

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

Insane and hilarious. I think my favorite part was Light suddenly appearing in order to go into hysterics.

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for the funny comment. Yes, I think Light is a secret hysteric...and only L's ham-handed attempts at sex can bring that out. Thanks again for reading!

[nekokatechan.livejournal.com]

You know the bit that made me laugh the most was Light's sheer desperation:

LUIGI?
LUKE?
LARS?
LUDOVIC?
LESTER?
LAZARUS?

All I had were visions of Luigi (Mario Bros) for the whole section then XD

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Heh, yeah, that would be a funny image. Glad this tickled your funnybone.
(And what a perfect icon. Apparently L has been using the ButtMaster.)

[bakasamu.livejournal.com]

Oh Lord, this made me laugh so hard! I think my brain ran out of my nose when I read about Light's presumed extra buttock. Oh, the images.... XD

Overall opinion: I WANT MORE. ^_^

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Hee, thanks! I love, love, love L...but he does have the potential for epic dorkiness. I'm so glad this made you laugh. As for more...well, like the death note itself, there's always an empty page waiting to be filled...

[phalanstere.livejournal.com]

LOL. I almost never read crack but for some reason I was compelled to read this. XD So will L dream of his beloved doughnuts chasing said Polish sausages?...hmm....

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure "crack" even adequately explains this story. More like "alternate, inexplicable reality." Thanks for writing...and yes, I do imagine he's dreaming of doughnuts (with sprinkles) squeezing themselves around a sausage.

[thickets.livejournal.com]

Instead, mumbled something about "birds and bees and sometimes boy bees like other boy bees."

Ahhhhhhh XD

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Poor Watari. What he must've gone through with L!
Thanks for taking the time to write -- I do appreciate it.

[falsie.livejournal.com]

*dies of teh funny*
Oh Dear GAWD that made my Day. You WIN AT LIFE! *high fives ya*

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

*high fives ya back*
Yay! Glad it amused you. It was certainly fun to write.

[eiei.livejournal.com]

LOL hilarious!
love the last part.........so suggestive =P
and yes i love this kinda humour in DN fandom, it's really the best
and the polish sausage thing cracked me up too :D

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

So glad you liked it. Thanks so much for commenting.

WHAT IS ABOVE DUH!

[(Anonymous)]

From: DarkAngelKisses13th. Prepare for fangirling. “Had peculiar dream about Bullet Train squeezing into a too-tight tunnel. V. weird.” ß OMG NO!!! WAY!!! “Had craving for bananas. Weird.” ß Bigger OMG! “Kama Sutra” Why do I know what that means…? Why? WHY!!! “Also? The mangaka of "Hentai!" is one heck of a writer.” *Hits self* Must stop laughing… “Craving Polish sausage. Have no idea why.” Uh…yeah…L’s a dork. An IC dork! “Day...who the fuck cares??!!!111!
Cannot stand it. MUST SEE LIGHT NAKED AGAIN UNDERWEAR! “ Someone has issues…WTF is WRONG with L?!?! Sacrifice…! Bees…“Am surprisingly fond of creamy filling.” <- yeah…you need help L.
JUST SHOOT ME NOW ß O.o OMG!!!!! FUNNYLICIOUS!! "He doesn't wear underwear.AT ALL." <-> "Also? It's not a sausage." <-> "Damn.He's HUGE." ->>>> *Go to Light freaking...-> "OKAY, MAYBE IT'S NOT SO BAD." <- *CHOKELAUGHGASPMARRYME!* "Must begin new investigation into why my ass hurts." What kind of ring would you like?

Re: WHAT IS ABOVE DUH!

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAH! What funny comments!
Under the circumstances, it's probably best to request a cock ring. Er...for L.
So happy you got a kick out of this piece of madness. You made my evening with your response.

[tininess.livejournal.com]

a fucking hilarious fic!!!! Although was a bit shaken by non-amnesiac but supposedly amnesiac Light, the rest of it is VERY FUNNY! Hahaaha 12% rounder than mine.... XD and L's dream XD

YOu win at life!!

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Yay! *wins* Thanks!

[axelified.livejournal.com]

HAHAAHAHAH I haven't read a fic in ages and this one seriously kicked ASS.

Thanks for giving me a giggle :3

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Thanks! You're certainly welcome -- and thanks for writing.

[kurage-no-hone.livejournal.com]

Oooh, sheer genius, and that final line is magical! (Also, the name listing. Like everybody else, I was cackling wildly at that point.)

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

So delighted you liked it! And the names? There I was at work, googling baby names. I may suck at being a grownup, but at least I'm deranged.

[captain-charla.livejournal.com]

Oh Lawliet, we still love you. xD

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Indeed we do.

[xbriyeon.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHA.

oh my god.

you are so freaking freakishly amazing.

*keels over laughing* *falls off chair*

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

You made my day with this comment. Thanks!