Real Men Wear Tights (The Heart-to-Heart Remix) [Farscape; John Crichton, D'Argo Sun Crichton]

[soubi-smalls.livejournal.com]

Title: Real Men Wear Tights (The Heart-to-Heart Remix)
Author: pdxscaper
Summary: "Yeah, well, it's all fun and games until someone ends up in a fishbowl wearing tights."
Fandom: Farscape
Characters: John Crichton, D'Argo Sun Crichton
Rating: G
Spoilers: Through the whole series and Peacekeeper Wars.
Disclaimer: Am not, never have been, affiliated with Henson, Hallmark Entertainment, Farscape, etc. These characters are not mine, I'm just glad the brilliant folks who created them don't mind us playing in their sandbox.
Original story: Five stories Crichton told Little D about Big D by eve11
Notes: Many thanks to scrubschick and fallinangelz21 for the beta. I really appreciate the help you two gave me!

+++||+++


Real Men Wear Tights [The Heart-to-Heart Remix]

"Two words. Fishnet tights."

"What? How--?"

"Aunt Chiana said it. After she told me never to try and out drink a Luxan."

John knows his face is doing a slow burn to red, but he's powerless to stop it. He thinks that his son is probably enjoying the show and a sidelong glance at D'Argo confirms his suspicion. The kid is staring at him with his mother's eyes, appraisal and mockery standing shoulder to shoulder, his mouth quirking up slightly at the corner. John figures it was just a matter of time before the boy started asking the hard questions. Leave it to Chiana to start the ball rolling.

Hands on hips, he turns to her, "You been tellin' tales out of school again, Pip?"

"Aw, Crichton, you knew the truth was gonna come out sooner or later."

"Yeah, I was hoping it was going to be later…much later."

"Well, now you can get it over with. Tell your son your deepest, darkest secret." Her eyes flash, filled with impish humor and a touch of compassion.

His deepest, darkest secret. Yeah, that's a laugh. It's not like there aren't a million other things he's done that he's not proud of, and a lot of other things that are better left buried.

John remembers hounding his dad when he was a kid. He loved to hear the stories that always seemed larger than life because he was certain that no other kids' fathers were as cool as his; they never did the things his dad did. Never flew the fastest jets. Hell, they'd never stepped foot on the moon. That was about the biggest damn deal of all.

Once he grew older, and he and his dad were butting heads more often than not, John looked for anything he could throw back in his old man's face when he wouldn't listen or relinquish his stubborn stance.

Looking back after so many years, he feels sorry for both the teenager who was so angry and the man who just couldn't let go. Being a parent isn't as easy as it looks; he's learned that first hand. Now he can see how the fear of losing something precious makes a guy hold on too tight and say a lot of things he swore he never would.

The boy clears his throat. "So, are you going to tell me the story?"

John rubs a hand around his neck. "Well—"

There are worse things he could tell his child. And wasn't it his mom who'd always said a person had to choose the battles he was willing to fight?

"Don't say I'm not old enough to know." There's a challenge in the boy's tone, something that dares John to contradict him.

"C'mon. You help me with the hetch drive on the module and I'll tell you the story."

"But Mom said I was supposed to work on—"

"Yeah, I know. Don't worry, I'll square it with her," John says as he turns toward the maintenance bay. He'll probably catch hell from Aeryn and maybe he'll live to regret the telling, but as long as he can spend time with his boy in relative peace, he'll take every microt he can get.

+++||+++

"Pilot threw you off Moya?" The boy asks incredulously, his head popping up over the side of the module to make eye contact.

"Yup."

"He must've been really pissed off."

John glances sideways. "Language, D."

The boy grins sheepishly. "Sorry."

"Yeah, I guess he was a little tired of listening to D'Argo and me bicker like two little old ladies."

"Why were you arguing so much?"

How did he explain to a 16-year-old that he fought with D'Argo because he couldn't fight with Aeryn? That he was jealous and hurt, and it was the only thing that kept him from losing his mind when all he could think of was her with him. He and Aeryn had never told D'Argo about the twinning, or the time they'd spent apart, what she and the other one had done on Dam-Ba-Da. He isn't sure he'll ever be able to tell that story. Definitely one of those things better left buried.

John shrugs. "Didn't have enough to keep us occupied, I guess."

"So, Pilot banished you to a pleasure planet. Real tough."

"Yeah, well, it's all fun and games until someone ends up in a fishbowl wearing tights." The kid snickers and John can just imagine the enjoyment he's getting out of that mental picture.

"Aunt Chi says you were stupid drunk, and that any fek face knows better than to mix rathtek juice with gnitrelp."

"She did, huh?" He was gonna have to have a talk with Pip. "Well, I'd never heard of either rathtek juice or gnitrelp, so I didn't know mixing them wasn't the smartest thing to do. But that really wasn't the problem. D'Argo and I were having a good time, mindin' our own business when these two girls started chattin' us up."

"Yeah, Aunt Chi said it all went to Hezmana in a handbasket when you and D'Argo got your heads turned by a couple of frelling tralks."

Okay, now he really was going to have a chat with Auntie Chi.

"Hey, kid, watch your mouth."

"I'm just repeating what she said."

"I'm sure you are, but you don't need to be using that kind of language."

"Okay," the kid says reluctantly. "So, the two tral—girls were chattin' you up and—"

"We were dancing and drinkin', and one drink led to another. They really weren't my type, but big D…" John trails off into a sad smile, shaking his head as he remembers how much the Luxan loved the ladies. "He never met a woman he didn't like. And a wingman never abandons his buddy."

"So, did you guys, well, you know?" D'Argo asks with a grin.

There's no mistaking what the kid's alluding to, and it really doesn't surprise John that he's asking.

"You know—what?" John sputters, trying to buy time.

Sensing the stall, D'Argo pushes on with his mother's pragmatism. "Look, Dad, I know about sex. Aunt Chi told me all—"

"Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa," John says holding up his hands. "Is nothing sacred? I talked to you about sex."

"You mean that time you babbled on and on about fluid levels and the birds and the bees?"

Okay, so his explanation had been a little lame. It was a lot more difficult than he thought it would be. He'd known the minute he opened his mouth that he should've let Aeryn explain it all to the boy. "Uh, yeah."

"Right, well, I didn't want to make you feel bad, but Aunt Chiana had already told me all the good stuff."

"What exactly did she tell you?"

"All the basics, what goes where—" John watches as a grin spreads across his son's face. "And then, well, she said there's this thing that really turns females on, and she—"

"Stop!" John carefully lays down the spanner he's been gripping too hard and rubs his hands over his face. "I am not having this conversation with you."

"Dad, there's nothing to be embarrassed about, it's just sex."

"There's a helluva lot more to it than the mechanics, boy. The sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be. Anyway, we're way off topic now. We were talking about LoMo and the rainbow girls. And no…we didn't…you know. Or at least I don't think so."

"So, really, you don't know if you did or didn't."

He and Aeryn had never sugarcoated things for their son. In a lot of ways, the boy had had to grow up faster than any kid should have. What better time to emphasize the fact that sometimes things can get dangerous when you least expect it. Turning to face D'Argo, John looks his son in the eye. Damn, when did he get so tall? There's nothing to do but admit it. "No, I don't know for sure. And believe me, that's not a good feeling."

"Didn't D'Argo know?"

John shakes his head. "He was in the same shape I was in."

The kid chuckles. "But he wasn't dressed in fishnets."

"Yeah, only because they didn't make gigantor size."

"Aunt Chi said you screamed like a girl when you woke up and saw everybody staring at you."

"Hey, she wasn't even there so how would—"

"She say's D'Argo told her."

"Yeah, well, there may or may not have been screaming involved." John wipes his hands on a rag that's lying on the bench where they've been working. "Look, it wasn't a good situation to be in. We were stupid. That's why your mom and I are always trying to get you to be aware of where you are and what's going on around you."

"I know. Better safe than sorry."

"Damn straight."

"Dad—" The boy hesitates, like he's unsure whether to go on. John turns his attention to the components spread out on the workbench, thinks maybe it'd be easier for D to ask whatever it is he wants to know without his father staring at him. "Are you ever going to tell me how D'Argo died? I mean, I am named after him, and he was your best friend. I don't really know anything about who he was…"

John had known the topic was going to come up sooner or later. He's not sure why he's never talked to his son about D'Argo. He'd thought enough time would pass and he'd be able to tell his son why they'd named him after the Luxan. How he was genuine and strong, tender and brave, and that blood wasn't always thicker than water. But D'Argo's loss had never seemed very far away and somehow the words had never come. Even after all the cycles that have passed, John still feels like there's this dark, empty spot inside where his best friend is supposed to be.

"He was a—" John clears his throat before he can go on. "He was a great warrior."

"Yeah, that's pretty much common knowledge. Just ask anyone on Moya."

The boy had a point. "So, what is it you really want to know?"

D takes a deep breath, his brow furrowing over dark eyes, as he searches his father's face. "Is it true you just left him there by himself?"

God, the kid knows how to go for the sucker punch right off the bat. Must have learned that from his mama because direct and to the point had never been John's strong suit.

"Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do," John says, his voice harsher than he intends. "Things you never thought you'd ever do."

"That's not an answer, Dad."

John shrugs. "Still true, son." With a sigh, he says the hard words, "Yes, I did leave him there by himself."

"Why?"

How do you explain to someone that you can make a choice to leave your best friend behind and most days be all right with it? John's voice is stronger than he thought it would be when he finds the words. "Because it's what D'Argo wanted, and it was the only way I could honor him."

There's a thoughtful look on his son's face that makes John's heart ache. Innocent even for all he'd seen in his 16 cycles.

"Do you think he was scared?"

"I want to think he wasn't, but that's more about me than him. D'Argo was a warrior and a soldier, and those instincts were ingrained in him. He knew damn well what the Scarrans would have done to us if they'd captured us, so he bought us time to get away, saved our lives."

"Could you have done it?"

The kid was pulling out all the stops with the soul searching questions. John considers, and really, the answer is a no-brainer. "For the people I love? In a heartbeat, D."

"You sound so sure."

"You'd be, too."

The boy cocks his head, "I don't know."

"I do. You are your mama's son."

"And yours," D'Argo says with a small grin.

It's hard not to respond to that picture and John feels a grin slide across his own face to match. "Some people wouldn't consider that much of a prize."

"I do."

He shakes his head. "Crazy as your old man."

"Maybe, but you'll never catch me in fishnets trying to out drink a Luxan."

"You gotta lot of life left to live yet, kid. Never say never."

There's a throaty laugh from the entrance to the maintenance bay and they both turn to look. Aeryn is standing there, arms crossed, leaning against the doorway. She looks like she's been listening for awhile, but John can't be sure.

"You're father's right about that, D'Argo. It would serve you well to listen to him."

"Ha!" John chortles. "Haven't I always told you your mama's one smart cookie?"

D'Argo rolls his eyes at his father's glee.

"Since your Aunt Chi is big on tellin' stories right now, go ask her about the time she wanted a pet," John says as he slings an arm across his boy's shoulder and starts him toward the door. "Tell her you're thinkin' about looking for a Vorc on the next commerce planet we come to."

The boy looks at him suspiciously, but can't quite resist the challenge.

When D'Argo is out of hearing range Aeryn turns to John and says, "You know you've just started something you have no hope of winning."

"Hey, there's always hope, babe. 'Sides, I didn't start it, Pip did."

Aeryn's eyes roll just like her son's as she quirks a smile. "Turnabout is fair play?"

"Damn straight, woman," John says as he gathers her into his arms. "Game on."


End


...

Comments

[eve11]

Fantastic! I love it! :) :) :)

Your Crichton voice, O mysterious remixer, is just lovely. Many times I laughed out loud, and then you went and twisted the knife with D'Argo's questions about the hows and whys of leaving someone behind... How do you explain to someone that you can make a choice to leave your best friend behind and most days be all right with it?. I like the ending too, though, how it comes back to a healthy and at least somewhat healed family.

I also like that you took this one of the Five Things, but also weaved bits and pieces of the other ones into it as well-- how D'Argo's death itself didn't come up, Aeryn's portent of "You know you've just started something you have no hope of winning."-- ha! You remixed one of the five things stories, but at the same time I think you caught the feel of the whole piece, and in a completely different style too :)

So this is just too much fun. There is no way I would have been able to write this, and yet, here it is! Thank you! *beams*

[pdxscaper.livejournal.com]

It always makes me a bit nervous writing for someone. I want them to like what I wrote especially when I like how it turned out.

So, thank you, I'm glad you thought it was fun yet had a twist of angst to go with it. Because really, as we all know, wherever you are in the Farscape 'verse you never get the happy without a little bit of the sad.

[auntiemeesh.livejournal.com]

Fantastic! I loved eve11's responses to my request, and I love this remix, too. There's such a lovely mix of humor and bittersweet moments, the stories going from funny if embarrassing to painfully heartwrenching and back again. :D

[pdxscaper.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad that you felt there was a good mix of fun and angst. I didn't really want it to be a downer.

[astrogirl2.livejournal.com]

I totally love the whole thought of Chiana giving Little D "the talk."

[pdxscaper.livejournal.com]

lol. For some reason I could really see it happening. She wouldn't feel bad about it, or embarrassed, and she'd definitely give little D way too much information!

[lastscorpion.livejournal.com]

Terrific story! I love the way you did all the characters!

[pdxscaper.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[paranoidangel]

I really love this. I can just see it happening. Little D'Argo is a great combination of his parents and his surroundings, and he's quite funny and sweet asking Crichton all the difficult questions.

[pdxscaper.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad that it seems plausible and that you found D'Argo to your liking.

[hossgal.livejournal.com]

Awwww. I liked this - it's more warmhearted than the original, but still keeps much of the sudden stop and pain that sits behind Aeryn and John and Little D's whole existance. I think the John voice and characterization was one of the strongest things about this story.

I also liked Aeryn and John tag-teaming the kid - Butch and Sundance to the end.

- hg

[pdxscaper.livejournal.com]

I really wanted to write something with a little lightness to it, but it seems you can never get very far away from the painful moments in Farscape, which is why I love it so.

Thank you! I appreciate the feedback!

[zvi-likes-tv.livejournal.com]

This was funny, and warm, and perfectly reflected the softer side of Farscape.

[pdxscaper.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[scrubschick.livejournal.com]

Wow! That turned out great! I'd love to see what Chiana comes back with in their oneupsmanship game. *hint* *poke* :D

I like your D. A sweet mix of knowledge and innocence, education and protection. Crichton and Aeryn have done well by him. And you've done well by them all.

[pdxscaper.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm glad you thought it turned out well!

Chiana's comeback...hmmm. That'd take some thinking. Not sure I could even come up with what she'd do. lol